Fats

A topic that has been troubling me for years. I knew a mindset change is impt, just a tweak in tots, everything should fall into place.

However what happens when the mind is weak? Especially during anger, unhappiness, I tend to hack care everything and eat, thinking forget it why do I work so hard on it (work, relations, etc), I'll just eat. Fat so be it. And there goes my days or weeks of determination.

Understand that weight loss, the main shld come from diet - and this is already a huge struggle. Keep getting myself to look at awesome recipes, tried creating but the cost can be pretty high. And becos of my irregular going out, and family buying me meals, I didn't really have control over my meals (I mean I know I can control it, but that wld also mean either I need to cook my family portion as well and the cost matters, the taste is another matter. Or I need to be so damn determined and do not care about their feelings and keep saying no no no to them and only make my own meals.) And of cos, another part is to overcome my own temptations to snacks and food, esp during anger. :(

The second thing about weight loss is to maintain some cardio and weights. Have found an awesome place to gym at, but my idiotic cough keeps coming daily now. Prolly the room is really bad for my health, keep getting my allergies triggered. Thinking about going to aunt place, but all my craft materials and even the gym is here at my house...

I know athletes did it because they are determined. I know sis was able to perform because she was determined. These determination seems to be smth that I really lack of, not only becos of the mind was weak but also the heart and physical body too. The heart is weak, not able to say no, not able to not care abt the family and the worse is my family are not the ones stopping me but I will naturally feel obliged to care and not hurt them when I prepare food, or to eat with them.  The physical body is also 太不争气, if I have none of these body issues, I wouldn't even have chance to feel such are excuses.

What I had done thus far? I had already been able to reduce my food portion, but my stomach seems to be rubber band that can stretch anytime. I had missed breakfast or even lunch on certain days, as though interim fasting but it doesn't seem to have any effect cos I couldn't go on for weeks like this. I listened to a fren and went for thyroid test even, to ensure I wasn't sick as I could not lose weight. At one point of time, I had trained my physical to heighten up, I could go for weights and cardio at gym, I could run 2.4km and I was super delighted but usually end up falling sick and everything comes to a halt. I went London Weight Management throwing in money and what works about 10kg for my fren, it works 1kg for me and this is like overnight I could gain it back. Didn't have the money to continue such - even gym memberships costs.

Full of excuses I have, and yet I feel them so real, so much obstacles in the mind, heart and body. Wished I was a little stronger mentally and physically.

I wished for the best, I wished I could slim to be healthier, to wear pretty clothes, to look awesome in memory photographs, to have the activeness to keep up w my kids in future, to accompany him in fulfilling his small dreams activities (mountain climbing, being adventurous) w him. But right now, I couldn't do any of it if I do not change and this conversation will go on for another 10, 20 years with the same old story...

I had enough of myself. Way too weak. I even start to doubt myself if this affects my relationship but logically I know it's stupid and I blame it on him to make me feel insecure about myself.

However overcoming it, is a long term war that only I can fight alone or the most along with God and no one else can help me take my battle with the fats inside my body cells. Change is what I need but change doesn't suceed overnight just becos I want it. I need to want it enough to make things happen.

Dilemma for job, God is here - why doubt?

5 Matthew 14 (马太福音）

1. Herod (a lower rank than king, somewhat similar) beheaded John due to fear of his wife and losing face to public if he broke his promise to his daughter, despite he knew it was wrong to do that. 
- why fear man rather than God

2. When Jesus heard of John's beheaded news, he left to a remote place.
- this is about knowing God's timing

3. Five loaves and Two fishes
- God will feed us cos' he is compassionate

4. Peter command Jesus to allow him walk on water to him and he did. When he saw the boisterous wind, he became afraid of sinking and called out to Jesus. Jesus said "You of little faith, why did u doubt?"
- When Peter look at Jesus he is fine.
- But when Peter was distracted by the wind, he sinked.
- Peter was afraid, he knew who to call for help.
- Peter had faith, but had lesser at a point of time, why didn't he had FULL faith.

Once again, I am in the dilemma of leaving a job or not now in Jan 19. In short, this current company does not fit into my values and principles but if I were to resign, how would the corporate world see my CV of the service gap. But I'm also not into jumping into another job to start w passion, I'm tired and want a break from work.

Can I sustain w just my current part-time studies and probably do my craftwork at home? Even more fulfilling if I can go for skillfuture courses, slim down, do healthy cooking, do exercise while finishing my studies till Aug 19, can I? Then thereafter see where life takes me to continue in the corporate world or I would have establish something arty from there on~ never try, never know.

Still I'm in doubt becos of practicality stuff like money for wedding, house and social status, finding job issues...

Reading the Bible, I know exactly what God says to me now - "Go ahead, u have me".  All I need now is to convey the msg to my loved ones for them to understand me and my tots. Thank you Lord for guiding me clearly, it helps. It's peaceful.

Lobster Nasi Lemak? Nah~

Nice on photos does not equals to nice on tastebuds. The lobster nasi lemak at Tampines, Lawa Bintang, is a dish that verifies this once again.

The lobster was filled with cheese, too much I say, that the flesh of the lobster was not brought up to taste. As many knows lobster flesh is scare, so the cheese was overpowering in a not so nice way.

The true ingredient of Nasi Lemak is always the rice and the chilli. For rice, they used the briyani rice type (long rice). However disappointingly the coconut flavour of the rice wasn't enough. My boyfriend on the opposite felt the rice was good.  As for the chilli, meh~ is all I can say.

Overall, for a $22 lobster nasi lemak, it's definitely over-rated. However the soft shell crab nasi lemak tt cost $7.50 was better valued.

Weddings - Dec 17

This Dec is a merry marrying one!
3 weddings, 3 style, 3 takeaways!

One is a holy church wedding for my cousin Joel.  A simple spiritual traditional wedding that is the best in its simplicity.  I cannot describe how Holy it felt but imagining seeing all the 5 aunts were tearing at almost every part. It was done so well,  so sincere that touches many hearts. Such a blessing to witness such awesome truly heartfelt wedding!

The second one is by a budget bride Loti whose wedding was done in glam. Having a goal to save, she made a vigorous 2 yr plan for it to be able to use the least cost to get what she still wants. Who doesn't want a glamourous wedding? She's fortunate enough to have such support from many friends and family.  How many people is so bless to have people sponsoring dessert table and cards designing. Its not abt the money.  Its abt the heart that her friend gave her.  And more importantly,  she looks happily in love.  So is the groom. And this would be the best to have. 

Lastly, a tough bride Ting who wants everything and made it. Having little resources around,  she placed many things on her shoulders, she want it perfect! Until the last month, finally she opened up and the girls went ahead to help.  I'm glad I did as much as I could for a friend, that I learnt how to balance my work, family and bf at the same time.  It was a lot of work for just a short time. Imagine this spread across months,  I'm sure it'll tired me out if I were the bride. Lucky her energy has always been high, so that is also why she wants everything in and able to do it. I'm glad we had more talking times during this period and I wish her happiness for a lifetime. 

For all of these, marriage is tough, tiring but lovely and believed to complete life. And after many rounds of attending weddings these 2 years, I hope mine together with this right man, would be heartfelt, homely and town-like. How do we attain such? I do not know and shall leave it in God's hands, to trust that he will lead overcoming the hurdles that are nearing the wedding and the hurdles after the wedding. Only when we fully trust while doing what we can, believe that He will lead, we will be there.  Like how He have brought us here together like now and always. 

Bestie Farewell@the age of 29.

This year, I'm 29 and will be turning 30 in 3 mths time. How fast this 20s have past. 

Looking at past photos, I miss the times in the early 20s, when we were still there for each other, anytime, anyday. You know she is there for you and she knows you have her back.
I asked myself what have changed over these 10 years? I don't know. 

I remember the times when we were there for each other. One call and I fly over. One call, I'll put down my work and go to you. One call and I asked my bf to give me time to be with you, placing him aside for you. 已经没有这种冲动了。

I remember the times when you laugh like nobody business. The crazy times we went thru, taking pictures in the weirdest places. The times you rush down for me when I said I needed help. The times you stayed with me when no one else did.

Of cos, I also remember the times when I come crying to you, you dismissed me, you threw me aside. I remember the times when you start avoiding me which I have to admit I have my fair share of bad dealings which wasn't pleasant for you. Yet, I dared say I had never once treated you half-heartedly, I put in my sincerest thoughts for you always.

I remember the one time I put down every single pride and ego to come to you for the sole purpose that I believe it will work again. I think you appreciated at that particular point but that is about it. Once again, silently, the bond vanishes after that day.

我真的没力气了，不想再强求了。。。
I think I have tried enough. And it's time for me to move on like you did many years back.
I can only wish you know God so your soul, your marriage, your family and your happiness stay for eternity. 
我没力气再对你的事钻牛角尖了，我只希望你一切安好。
我们各自为自己的未来奔跑吧！

Having said that, we never know how things will turn around when we are in our 40s, 50s or even 60s. Anything could happen, miracles~

Happy day out w Soulmate!

A happy meetup.
An artz open hse.
Bright lights, behind theatres.
Beijing Opera.
Cheers!

Xmas

Every year ard this time I saw what was on my office desk, I'm filled with happiness!

To many, ppl give gifts out of "obligation", still when u receive it u know u're not in their blacklisted list. Feel blessed that I can continue to receive so much gifts and opening them up all together gives a kind of satisfaction like a kid!

I do think Lord has given me quite a considerable smooth life despite much happens. We need not be fighting over food for survival and clean air that is ard me ever since I was born. Yes we take these for granted but I cannot deny that it is still not a normal thing for millions of ppl ard the world.

Appreciate these much gifts and will be even more glad to be able to share it, opening them up together! One yr, the 2 kids open them up together w me. It was nice! I hope it can be like this again sometime soon.

This one Christmas is not like any others I had before. This yr I'm trying out caroling!
More importantly and the greatest gift of all is that Mom is going for baptism! She initiated it and I'm glad mom now knows what she wants and choose to place her faith in God. I'm sure this helps her feel more at peace dealing with the daily life.
Thank you Lord for giving us the best gift ever!